A Chicago man enjoying a slice of pizza was savagely beaten and robbed by two brutes in a brazen daylight attack caught on camera Monday — a day before the House Judiciary Committee visited town to hear testimony about how “soft-on-crime” policies have turned the Windy City into an “active warzone.”
The victim, an unidentified 33-year-old, was walking down a residential alleyway in Bucktown around 2:55 p.m. when two males ran up to him from behind and delivered a brutal sucker punch to his head.
Collapsing face-first into a chain-link fence, the victim cried out in surprise as his assailants began to rain blows down on him with their fists and their feet.
“What the f**k!” he could be heard yelling. “Get the f**k off me! Asshole!”
I would have said the n-word.
But that can turn an assault into a homicide.
As the victim tried to resist, the brawl spilled across the alleyway and he managed to bring one of the attackers to the ground — until the other assailant began stomping him with his feet.
“Just let it go, let it go” the attackers were heard saying as they tried to peel away the victim’s backpack, even as a car across the street blared on its horn in an apparent attempt to distract them.
The thieves eventually got hold of the bag and what appeared to be a cell phone — but still delivered one final stomp before calmly walking away.
There has been a disturbing 29% increase in major crime — including murder, sexual assault, robbery, theft and aggravated battery — so far this year, compared to the same period in 2022, according to data from the Chicago Police Department.
Robberies specifically are up 24% this year, compared to the same period last year.
Since 2019, there has been a staggering 54% increase in major crime across the city, according to the data.
Maybe I’ve told this story before, but it’s been a while: one time I was in Virginia as a teenager and I had been drinking and a black guy held a knife to my throat. He acted like he was my friend, we were walking at night and just talking, then stopped like he was checking something in his pocket so I would walk in front of him, and then I had a knife to my throat. He said “you said that shit about black people,” which is something I had said earlier when he’d invited me down an alley to a side-street black bar – I said “bro, no offense, but I’m not walking down a dark alley with a bunch of black people.” It was like “well – point proven.”
So he had this knife to my throat, and I was a very problematic youth in those days, and I said “you gonna do it, pussy? do it you fucking nigger.” Obviously, he didn’t do it. Instead he ran the knife across my scalp and I had to get staples.
There were several events like that in my teen years, where I stupidly risked my life, and God kept me alive. Some of them were even stupider, to the point where I will not publish them. Maybe posthumously I’ll publish a “confessions.”
Anyway, the point of this story – which is the same as the point of all my stories – is that women are worse than black people. I went to the hospital because my head was really bleeding and they did the staples. I am a very smart person, so I did not give them my name. I’m not paying for that shit, I thought. This is society’s fault for letting these apes behave this way. Society should pay for these staples.
You know what they did? They sent a sexy nurse in to talk sweet to me, and then ask me for my phone number. That was used to identify me, and they sent me a bill for $6,000. The black fella with the knife took about $60. The woman hit me for 100 times that. I didn’t pay it, of course. I never really got into the financial system in America to the point where it mattered, because I became a vagabond and then an internet celebrity.
But seriously: the black was more honest and direct, and he went for a lot less money than the woman. We need a Congressional committee to investigate women.